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Requiem for a Party

The Smilor Post

Fort Worth, Texas

February 14, 2021

The Capital police announced from the Capital Building in Washington DC that the Republican Party died yesterday. They found the Republican body politic abandoned on the floor of the United States Senate. The Party was 167 years old.

An autopsy showed that the Party had been suffering from a political cancer for the past four years and finally succumbed to the fear and loathing of Republicans in the Senate and the House who had forsaken their oaths and in the process transformed the Republican Party into a cult. The Party finally expired when 43 Senators each took their turn in pounding 43 nails into the coffin of the once respected Party. After the nailing, the GOP, which had stood for Grand Old Party, was rechristened the Groveling Obedient Poltroons in formally establishing the Cult of Trump. Cult followers then felt a rumbling of the Senate floor and was told that that was Lincoln turning over in his grave.

In celebration, the 43 Senators joined House Republicans by marching to the Trump Tower Hotel, raising their eyes to the sign overhead and singing as a chorus to the tune of "Amazing Grace", the new anthem of the Cult of Trump.

Disgraceful Trump, how strong thy lies

That taunt and then incite.

I once could see but now am blind,

For you do wrong, not right.

To Trump, who taught me how to fear,

who showed how to deceive,

My principles I sacrifice

and serve on bended knee.

There was a desperate attempt by 7 Republican Senators to try to resuscitate their Party by voting their consciences but to no avail. The internal decimation of the Republican Party, however, proved too corrupted to be saved. As Ted Cruz happily claimed after the death, "We are all proud that we stood back and stood by our leader." And Josh Hawley gave his now-patented raised-arm, fist-pump signal to Trump's MAGA supporters. Many Senators continued to congratulate Mike Lee for interrupting attempts to rescue the Party and objecting to any potential cures to save it. When Tommy Tubberville was asked about the safety of former vice-president Pence, he responded, "Who?" The vast majority of congressional Republicans in both the House and the Senate, afraid of incurring Trump's displeasure, refused to answer for their complicity by sealing their lips closed with Gorilla Glue.

The once principled party of Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Reagan and Bush gasped its last breath in homage to a demagogue. Trump's attorneys utilized every classic defense in representing their client and pleasing the Senators: "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." And "Refund! Refund!" And they really hit home by arguing, "You can't handle the truth," which they then retracted because it actually proved to be accurate.

Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, however, demonstrated the most craven explanation for the expiration of the Party. In a stunning exhibit of tortured logic, he showed the other 42 Senators how to deal with the death of his Party. After voting to acquit the former president, he then excoriated the former president for dereliction of duty, pointing out that he was actually guilty as charged. He called the former president practically and morally responsible for inciting the riot on January 6, stressing that the former president was the one person who provoked the insurrection and one person who could have stopped it but did not. McConnell then did a moral backflip and maintained that he had to acquit the former president because the Senate could not convict someone who is out of office, even though the Senate had voted that it indeed had jurisdiction to do so. Lindsey Graham glowed that this was "the greatest two-faced argument in the history of the Senate. Even outdoes all of mine!"

When told of his acquittal, Trump was giddy with delight. Aides maintained that he had not been this happy since he saw his supporters storming the capital in seeking to undermine the Constitution. "Our journey is just beginning," he reiterated to the teary-eyed adulation of his cowed Republican cohorts in the House and Senate. He added, "I'm coming after each one who voted against me!"

No service is planned to commemorate the passing of the Republican Party, which expired not with a bang but a whimper.

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