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Reverend Mr. President

Trump becomes minister; sells bibles Breaking News The Smilor Post Fort Worth, Texas June 8, 2020 The White House announced today that Liberty University has decided to make President Trump a minister with an honorary degree in biblical studies.  President Jerry Falwell of Liberty University said that Trump earned this distinction because of his deep knowledge of the bible and because he has a long arm to hold the bible in the air. Trump is so excited by this new recognition that he is now requiring all staff and all who visit the Oval Office to refer to him as Reverend Mr. President or Reverend President Trump from now on. In a press release on the degree, Trump modestly pointed out, "I know more about the Bible than any religious leaders do." In making the announcement, White House Press Secretary Kayeigh McEnany added that Reverend President Trump has started holding daily bible lessons from the Oval Office for his staff and selected visitors. "I'm learning so much about the Bible that I never knew before," she said giddily.  For example, she recounted the lesson Reverend President Trump gave last week. Trump said that he was "inspired in these hard times by the Bible story of the good man whom God tested by sending him plagues and other bad things."  He recounted that Pinocchio was then swallowed by a whale and sat inside for a long time.  "But then, God sent him loaves and fishes so that he wouldn't be hungry. And then he got out, and he was really stinky. But God still wanted him to play golf."  Trump reflected, "Such a happy ending." Two days ago, McEnany added that Reverend President Trump explained the lesson of the great flood. Trump told his staff, "There was a big flood.  Really, really big. A real lot of water. So this guy, Noah, built a really big boat and got two animals of every kind to walk in. But no snakes. I hate snakes. Snakes were not allowed. And then it rained a long time, a real long time. And then the Bible said 'Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.'" The lesson Trump concluded was that "you have to stay hydrated and make sure there was a lot of water available in the White House." Even this morning, the lesson that Reverend President Trump gave explained how the Bible inspired his famous photo op at the church. He said, "I was inspired by the example of the Trojan Horse. I remember the story because the name 'Trojan' is like the condom. Anyway, it's the story of how a bunch of soldiers broke into a city.  Only I used real horses with special forces troops and tear gas and rubber bullets to break up the peaceful protestors in Lafayette Square so that I could get my picture holding the Bible."  He closed by saying, "Such a beautiful picture!  Everybody says it's soooo beautiful." Later in the afternoon, Reverend President Trump held a press conference to announce an important new publication. Speaking from the Rose Garden, Reverend President Trump held a bible high above his head with "TRUMP" in large gold letters on the cover and declared, "I am happy to present the King Donald version of the Bible!" He said, "This should replace all other versions.  And it's only $19.95 and includes shipping."  He then took questions from reporters. "Reverend Mr. President," said a reported from Fox News, "Congratulations on such a well-deserved honor. Can you tell us which of the four gospels you especially like to read?" Trump responded, "I love the gospel of John.  So beautiful. But I also love the gospels of Paul, George and Ringo. After all, all you need is love. Love. Love Love. Love is all you need."  He added, "I love everybody. Except for those I don't, like anyone who disagrees with me." Another reporter asked him if there was a particular biblical passage that comforted him during difficult times. "Oh, Yes," Trump reflected. "I love piss-alms, and especially the one about walking in the valley and seeing a lot of shadows. And then the groundhog comes out and tells everybody to lie down and take a nap. Very good advice.  Very comforting. I like to take naps." A third reporter asked what he thought about the biblical admonition to "turn the other cheek." Reverend President Trump said that he follows the word of the Bible, "I turn the other person's cheek and then slap it as hard as I can," he said.  "Remember," he said, "what the Bible says is to do onto others before they do it to you." The reporter interrupted him and said that that was not the real meaning of the phrase. Trump wagged a finger at him and said, "You are a nasty reporter. I will not answer any more of your nasty questions." Reverend President Trump then ended the press conference by announcing a special, one-time-only offer on the King Donald version of the Bible which he held on high.  Inside the front cover was a color picture of King Donald with his arm around Jesus. "It's so, so beautiful," Trump said. Across the picture was the inscription, "King Donald with a constituent." It was signed "Reverend Trump."  Trump then added that the autographed version would sell for only $5.00 more and include shipping. He pointed out that his version of the Bible would be in every Trump hotel and resort room, and available for purchase. With discounts for large church orders. Reverend President Trump ended the press conference by saying, "God bless America and God Bless my bible book sales." As his entourage was departing the Rose Garden, the mic picked up a staff member who commented, "Holy Shit!"




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david
Jul 25, 2020

I’ve now read six of your blogs. They were all great. Right now I’m trying to keep from waking Anita up with my chuckles about Reverend Trump. That was hilarious. I knew I’d get wisdom from you Ray. Didn’t know I’d get Stephen Colbert!

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