The Smilor Post
Fort Worth, Texas
September 12, 2020
The White House today announced formal plans to establish the Trump Memorial. White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, could hardly contain her enthusiasm in discussing the Memorial's design, which is a restructuring of the Lincoln Memorial in Trump's image. She said President Trump was "giddy with delight" that he is finally being recognized as the greatest president who has ever lived or will ever live. She said, "The President has not been this happy since he misused the military to disband peaceful protestors from Lafayette Square with rubber bullets and tear gas." She quoted the President saying that this honor is entirely appropriate since he is replacing a president "who was a loser for getting assassinated."
Construction on the Memorial will start immediately after the November election.
The new design has President Trump replacing Lincoln in the marble chair. Trump sits holding up a bible in his right hand while he gives a thumps-up sign with his left hand. A bushy mane of hair is coiffed in the form of a crown atop his head. A long tie stretches down from his neck and across a huge bulge in his croch, which he asked the designers to make larger so that "It makes even Michaelangelo's David look like a p***y." Trump also required that his statue be made of titanium with 24k gold-leaf trimming and be 20 feet from head to foot, so that it is brighter and a foot taller than Lincoln's.
There will be two shrines, one on each side of the Memorial. The one on the right will commemorates domestic priority. It depicts Trump slightly bent at the waist, looking back and smiling at three figures behind him. All three are bent over at a 90-degree angle at their waists about to kiss Trump's rear end. Mitch McConnell is in the center with puckered lips at the ready while Lindsay Graham on his right covers his eyes with his hands and Kevin McCarthy on his left holds his index finger against closed lips. "Make sure their bend is clear and unequivical, " Trump told the designers. The shrine is titled, "Homage of the GOP." Mitch McConnell said, "On behalf of my two colleagues and all the Republicans in the House and the Senate, I want to say how honored we are to be part of this new Memorial. This is how history will remember us."
The shrine on the left side of the Memorial reflects his priority in foreign policy. Trump stands with one arm around Kim Jung Un and the other around Vladimir Putin. The title of this shrine is "His Excellency with Best Buds." Kim Jong Un wrote a long letter extolling the countless ways Trump has provided the dictator with praise and credibility, and ended by declaring, "Who would have ever thought an American president would do this?" Trump said that he "felt the love." Vladimir Putin's tweet to Trump about the shrine was more concise, "Good boy."
There will also be new inscriptions on the walls of the Memorial to replace Lincoln's words from his Gettysburg Address and his Second Inaugural. Trump approved deleting the historic passages saying, "They're just words."
Behind and to the right of the Trump statue will be what Trump is now calling his "Innocence Address": "I am not a liar. Just don't believe what I said, or what I did, or especially what I didn't do. It will go away like a miracle or when the weather gets warm or just go ahead and drink some Clorox. It is what it is."
Behind and to the left of the Trump statue will be a quote from Trump's personal hero, Alfred E. Newman: "What, me worry?"
Finally, the design calls for a huge, pulsing, digital neon sign on top of the Memorial's columns and across the entire length of the structure. "Make it like the 24/7 scrolling signage in Time's Square," Trump demanded. The President is already planning to promote Trump product's like his hotels, steaks, Ivanka's clothing, and a new line of bleach. He is also soliciting sponsorships. Initial sponsors include QAnon, the KKK and Identity Evropa. "There are very good people in those organizations. They like me," Trump boasted.
At the President's request, Kenya West has happily agreed to sing "Dixie" at the opening of the Memorial.