Trump's New Book
The Smilor Post
Fort Worth, Texas
September 27, 2020
The White House today released a detailed media kit announcing the publication of President Donald Trump's new book: The Art of the Lie: How to Lie Through Your Teeth Like a Pro. The photo on the book jacket shows a grinning Trump with his lips pulled way back over his gums, his teeth clenched and his eyes stretched wide with the inscription, Liar-in-Chief, across his forehead.
Press secretary, Kayleigh McAnnany, was so happy she could hardly contain her enthusiasm. "I have learned so much about how to lie from the master," she exclaimed. "President Trump wrote this book himself," she said, adding "which is a lie." She declared that "All proceeds from the sale of the book will go to charity," then pointed out, "that's also a lie since all money will go to Don's Cons, a scam entity set up to collect money for the President's legal defense once he is indicted after he leaves office." Finally, she emphasized, "People, including all his supporters, know that he is a pathological liar incapable of telling the truth." She hesitated and then admitted, "Oh no, I make a terrible mistake. That last statement is actually true! Please Mr. President forgive me."
The book promises:
--Learn how to fool millions and even contribute to the deaths of tens of thousands with a well-placed lie. ("I never knew the virus was deadly and infected young people.")
--Master Donald's 3 Ds of deception: deny ("I never said the war dead were 'losers' and 'suckers'"); deflect ("It's fake news."); and deceive ("It will go away like a miracle.")
--Know how to progress from just head-shaking lies that don't make sense ("I know more than the generals.") to real whoppers that sow chaos and confusion ("We'll have to wait and see about a peaceful transition of power.")
Trump shows the background to some of his early classic lies, like
--The birther lie that shot him to prominence. "That was a really good one," he gloats in the text.
--"Mexico will pay for it." He writes, "I'm still laughing about that one."
--"I never paid off Stormy Daniels." He adds, "I just had someone else pay her off for me."
Special features of the book include:
--How to mock the disabled ("flail your arms and laugh") and denigrate anyone who disagrees with you ("especially call women 'nasty.'")
--What to do when experts and doctors make statements based on facts and science..."Just tell people to ingest disinfectant."
--How to invent awards and then give them to yourself. He has thus announced that his book has now been nominated for the Putz-Liar Prize, which he created to cause confusion with the Pulitzer Prize.
--Know when to blame others when all else fails. "I take no responsibility at all."
But wait, there's more!
Learn some of the secrets tricks of the lying trade:
--Just say "Everybody knows" when in fact no one knows.
--Tweet a conspiracy theory and then maintain that someone else said that and not you.
--Make up embarrassing names for others, like Mr. Magoo Jeff Sessions, Little Marco Rubio and Husband From Hell George Conway.
--Say something over and over, and louder and louder: "The election is rigged. The election is rigged. THE ELECTION IS RIGGED...unless I win."
--Twist the truth when caught on tape: "I never down-played the virus. I up-played it."
Become a master of the dog whistle by telling real "white" lies:
--Attack an entire ethnic group: "They're all rapists and murderers."
--Say, "There are very fine people there," for those who march at night with torches and chant, "Jews will not replace us."
--Use the "silent" lie. Never admit that Black Lives Matter or that there is a racial divide to address.
Be the first to review some of Trump's latest, greatest lies:
--"The Republican Party has a health care plan that will protect preexisting conditions." He chuckled during an interview on Fox News, "That's a twofer lie."
--"There will be a vaccine before the election."
--"Mail-in ballots are different from absentee ballots and are a democratic plot to steal the election...(unless they are in states that favor me)."
Hear the praise from those who have learned to lie from Trump
In the chapter on "Pasal of Vassals," former staff report how Trump inspired them to become first-class liars and in the process help him to undermine the office of the presidency. Sean Spencer recounts how he learned to use a picture to lie. "Remember the photo of the inaugural crowd?" he giggles. "Most blatant lie I've ever told was to say that was the largest crowd ever." He adds, "Trump was so proud of me." Kellyanne Conway proudly boasts about inventing the term "alternative facts" as a way to help Trump lie. "That was a stroke of genius in my opinion," she said. "We got so good at supporting his constant lying, that we could even cause disruption, division and alienation in our own families," she glowed. Mark Meadows admits, "The secret to working on Trump's staff, I learned right away, is to, as we say, 'push his tush' with our lips by willingly repeating his lies. We are constantly puckered!"
In the chapter on "Constitution, Prostitution," Mitch McConnell writes on behalf of each and every Republican in the House and Senate. "At first, violating our oaths was hard, but we got much better at it by following Trump's requirements to support his lies," he said. He then outlined Trump's three rules for Republicans: 1) Say nothing. Shut your mouths, no matter how cruel, heartless and demeaning Trump's lies are; 2) See nothing. Look away from boorish and even criminal behavior; and 3) Do nothing. Let Trump undermine a free press, threaten an independent judiciary and put our democracy at risk. McConnell announced that House and Senate Republicans are now "totally prostituting ourselves to preserve, protect and defend our Liar-in-Chief." He proudly added, "What's a little hypocrisy among us Republicans? Even I have to chuckle about my lie not to vote for a Supreme Court nominee in an election year."
Glowing comments about the book are pouring in from some of Trump's strongest supporters. Kim Jong-un wrote, "Oh Most Marvelous Manipulator. Oh Fabulous Falsifier. You are even better than I am!" Vladimir Putin tweeted, "You follow instructions well, Grasshopper!"
Opportunities for bilking the public are numerous. Don Jr. and Eric are starting a training company modeled on Trump University. They promise to develop a training program to certify Trump liars based on their father's expertise at lying. They plan to offer a special arrangement in which students pay extra to get certified by lying that they took the course when they actually did not.
A game show based on the book is in the works. "Liar, Liar, Don's on Fire" will feature accomplished liars who have trained at Trump's knew trying to guess when and where he said his lie. With over 20,000 lies from the past three years to choose from, the show could go on for years. The first set of contestants are a distinguished group of fawning Republicans featuring, "Lying" Ted Cruise, Lindsay Graham, and Susan Collins. Jerry Falwell, Jr., who has promised to zip up his pants, will provide the invocation praising Trump at the start of each show.
Kanye West has agreed to sing the show's theme song, "Liar, Liar," with a modified lyric: "Liar, Liar, Don's on Fire. Your nose is longer than a telephone wire."
Fox News is in discussions to serialize the book. Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson have agreed to co-host the episodes and continue to lie on behalf of their mentor.
Books can be ordered on the One America News Network with special discounts for QAnon followers, Klansmen, and Identity Evropa members.
Trump ends his book with a stirring call to action: "Just trust me. I would never lie to you."