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What's in a signature?

BREAKING NEWS!

The Smilor Post

Fort Worth, Texas

April 17, 2020


Sources at the White House today said that President Trump is "giddy with delight" that the stimulus checks now bear his signature. They say he has not been this happy since his last rally when he told the country that the coronavirus was under complete control and would miraculously disappear by April. They also indicated that the unprecedented decision to put his name on each and every check caught him by complete surprise. "I had no idea that Treasury would do this," they say he told his staff with a wink.


The stimulus checks have actually altered his daily routine.  Instead of watching hours of his brain trust on Fox News each day, he now enjoys spending a couple of hours each day at the Treasure Department. One advisor observed, "He loves to look through the glass partition and watch thousand of checks stream off the printing presses, jumping up and down, clapping his hands and saying, 'That one has my name!  That one has my name!' over and over again."  Another close confidant said, "It is so nice to see him relieve some of the stress of playing at being president." That aide requested anonymity in order to avoid any possibility of retribution from the Check-Signer-In-Chief.

Friends outside the White House have lifted his spirits.  They tell him that many people who receive the stimulus checks do not cash them.  They are so overwhelmed to have his name and theirs on the same document, that they instead tape the checks to their refrigerator doors next to their children's scribbled colored pictures. "Now, those people know what showing appreciation really means," he told the press in the Rose Garden.

Since he has rewritten the U.S. Constitution and declared that he alone has total authority, some have referred to him as King Don.  When an aide first told him of this, he went into one of this sudden temper tantrums.  "Klingon!  Why do they call me Klingon?" he demanded to know.  "No, no, Mr. President," replied the aide who suddenly feared he might be on his way out.  "That's 'king' as in King George."  "Oh," Mr. Trump replied, later telling close associates how proud he felt being compared to King George.


Given his newly-found powers, the president has been exploring other opportunities for self-promotion and self-aggrandizement in addition to the stimulus checks. In this regard, he consults daily with this chief constitutional expert, Jared Kushner. Together,  they have identified quite a number of promising and potentially lucrative initiatives, that go far beyond the campaign commercials that he shows at this coronavirus briefings.


President Trump has directed the National Archives to revise several of America's most historic documents:

--He has mandated that his signature be added to the Declaration of Independence. There is one caveat: it must be twice the size as that of John Hancock.

--He has demanded that the Archives remove the names of Robert Livingston and James Monroe from the 1803 Louisiana Purchase Treaty and use his name instead.  "I really deserve the credit for the greatest real estate coup in American history," he told the National Realtors Association. He has also directed Trump Enterprises to see if he can still claim a percentage of that deal.


--He has required that his signature be put on the Emancipation Proclamation instead of Abraham Lincoln's.  "What do I have to lose?" he declared.

He gleefully tells his cabinet that he can't get over how many ways he has used his signature authority.  At a recent cabinet meeting, Secretary of Commerce Ross, briefly awakens, and tells him, "Mr. President, there are so many other things that you could still do."


So, the president has turned his attention to other opportunities.


--He has investigated other government agencies. He has asked the Patent Office to see if it could erase Thomas Edison's name from the 1880 patent application for the light bulb and apply his instead. He can't help but smile at the royalty possibilities if that were to happen.

--He has met with the owners of all the baseball teams. He has advised them to discontinue Jackie Robinson Day and replace it with "The Donald Day."  On that day, every player on every team will wear a jersey with Trump's name and the number 45 on their uniforms.  He is also in discussion with them about getting a cut of the gate on that day.


--Since he now has his name on the stimulus checks, he is developing a plan to put his signature on each and every private and governmental payroll check.  His team is looking into a modest 2 percent transaction fee when each check is cashed.


There is, however, one potentially historic document that bothers him. He is concerned that he might have to put his signature on the traditional note that a departing president leaves in the Oval Office for the incoming president on Inauguration Day. He worries that he might have to sign a document indicating the very last day he will ever step foot in the White House on January 20, 2021.


Good Health and Good Luck

Ray

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